don’t worry, anon. it’s not too personal, and i really don’t mind talking about it anymore.

when i was younger, i grew up with a father figure that was very much like john winchester. i was treated differently because i was the oldest, and therefore was meant to be the most responsible. i was also treated like shit a lot of the time, and that was mainly because i wasn’t his child. the long periods of time that he was away from home - he worked offshore - were like grace periods for me, allowing me time to try and build myself back up again.

which, y'know, didn’t last all that long once he was back home.

when i was thirteen, i attempted suicide. i could no longer take the pressure of not being good enough, and i wanted out. it was hellish, and at times he was physically and mentally abusive, and enough was just enough. now, obviously it didn’t work out, because i’m still here today; something i definitely wasn’t thankful for at the time. 

skip forwards about a year, and those thoughts were beginning to crop up again. something you have to bear in mind here, is that i hadn’t told my mum the real reason for my attempted suicide. and god, do i really wish i had, because he might have been out of our lives sooner. but i was terrified that she wouldn’t believe me, and that she would take his side. 

i would later find out that i had absolutely nothing to worry about, but i digress. 

at that point in time, i’d gotten a little more active on the internet, because i spent so much time on my own, and at the time, i was looking for a way to watch smallville online. i stumbled across a little known show called ‘supernatural’ instead. the show was in its second season, so i thought i’d give it a try. 

here i was, suddenly presented with this character dean, who took a lot of shit, and had a lot riding on his shoulders, but still kicked ass and looked good doing it. family meant everything to him, and i was clinging to whatever familial love i could clutch to my chest. the character just resonated deeply with me, and i felt that i had to see where he was going, and what he would do in the future. 

now here i am, nearly nine years later, and the show has always been basically the background music in my life. when things felt like they were starting to get down, i could put on one of my favourite episodes, and things would start to feel okay again. 

i owe supernatural so much, and i owe jensen so much for portraying a character that made me realise there was always something to fight for.